Partner Post: 5 Steps for a Successful, Connected Return to Work
by Barb Buckner Suárez
COVID has really screwed up a LOT of things in the pregnancy, birth and new parenting world. We’ve been asked, collectively, to pivot multiple times - and in almost every aspect of our lives - as we navigate how to live in these “unprecedented times.”
Y’all, I don’t know about you, but I could really use some PRECEDENTED times!
And it looked as though we were headed in the right direction - for a hot minute! But with the Delta variant in full power, it appears as though re-entry into the larger world is going to remain uncertain for some time yet. This means preparing for what will happen if the birthing person is still on leave, but the partner has gone back to work… at the dining room table!
So many folks will be faced with this new reality: one or both of you returning to work while simultaneously caring for your newborn all in the same space! I can speak to this reality (though not while caring for a newborn!)
My hubs and I are both still working from home, our oldest spent her senior year of college in our basement taking all of her classes online, our second took all of his classes from his dorm room, and our high school sophomore and middle school 6th grader did some wacky combination of online and hybrid school this past year. It’s NOT the same as taking care of a brand new baby, but y'all… we live in a 1,700 square foot home and half the family is close to or over 6 feet tall! We used up EVERY single inch of space that we have! (And, somehow, we all still like one another!)
But the reality you will soon be facing (if you aren’t already!) is that there isn’t a lot of space, and there may be unrealistic expectations about how this is all going to go down once the parental leave is up and your partner is “back at work.”
In one of my recent Becoming Us classes, we were discussing the realities of those first days, weeks and early months of new parenting. One of the families shared this new insight:
“My partner thinks because he’ll be working from home, that he’ll be able to jump in when I need him to. I think that’s really sweet - and totally unrealistic. But still I know I’m going to be pissed when I need him to take the baby, but he can’t because he’s working.”
YEP!
That’s exactly what will happen unless you make a solid plan for your work days ahead. Because, let’s face it: even if one of you is still on parental leave, you’re BOTH working!
Maybe you’ve already realized that taking care of a baby is the hardest work you’ve ever done in your life. And to have the workforce for that job cut in half, seemingly overnight, can be really overwhelming (and lead to some nasty conflicts between you and your partner!).
So, a few suggestions to help with the whole “return to work” phase of parenting - because whether or not your partner will be in a home office, or an actual one, this shift can be a little less traumatic if you prepare for it:
Do a little homework. What’s the current policy at your/your partner’s work for the immediate future? Is it only essential folks who can come into the physical office? Is there an option for hybrid - a few days from home, a few days in the office? Or is it ALL online and remote until further notice? You can’t know where you’re going unless you know where you are first!
Take the maximum amount of parental leave that you can, but be smart about it! I’ve worked with thousands of families over the years and not one of them has ever said: “I wish I hadn’t taken so much parental leave!” Instead, most wish they had maxed out what was available to them. Find out what’s possible and then use that time wisely! If it doesn’t need to happen all at once, take some time off initially and then use more when the birthing person heads back to work. This can act as a “soft landing” for those days when they might have to figure out a new pumping/feeding schedule, etc.
Ease back into those first couple of weeks. For both partner and birthing person, think about going back half days, or stagger and go to work M-W-F the first couple of weeks. This can feel less overwhelming and you’ll all have some time to adjust to the new schedule.
Set up clear boundaries and take it week by week. Sit down together on Sunday afternoons to see what the week ahead looks like. If there are big meetings, or important deadlines that need to be met, highlight those and come up with a plan to either have an extra set of hands around to help the parent who’s in charge of the baby, or plan to be out of the house if the space needs to be quiet. Once you’re BOTH back at work this planning will mean some give and take depending on what the work priorities are for each of you every week. You can alleviate a LOT of headaches (and arguments!) if you’re able to support one another in this way!
Evaluate and then re-evaluate on a regular basis! Listen, we’re all living in a state of near-constant uncertainty. It’s challenging for our central nervous systems to feel settled because there are so many things that are outside of our control right now. So, take it slow and allow for the expected misfires to happen as you figure all of this out. If whatever plan you’ve come up with is not working for ALL of you, then it’s not working at all.
My partner and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary, and we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs over those years together, so my approach is relatable and real.
Lean in on those skills of flexibility and resiliency that we’ve all had to develop over the past 18+ months. Be gentle with each other and with yourselves as you make your way through this patch of parenting. It can be really challenging to navigate but much less so if you’ve got a plan in place first. Bonus: you can make a plan at any point in your parenting journey using the suggested steps above!
If you need more help negotiating life as a new family, please reach out! I’m here to support you in the most important work you’ll ever do: raising the next generation.
My Becoming Us AFTER Baby classes are designed to “baby-proof” your couple relationship and bring it back to the top of the list of priorities for your family. Having a healthy and strong relationship is such a gift for your child! And I also offer private Couples Coaching sessions for folks who might want a little more support as parents.
I believe connection is everything and that it begins with birth. Becoming a family is an opportunity for growth as individuals and as a couple, and I’m so honored to be doing this work.
Over the last 20+ years, Barb Buckner Suarez has helped thousands of couples on their parenting journey, while wearing multiple hats: childbirth educator; doula; couples coach; certified Becoming Us facilitator; and author of the Birth Happens blog. Barb also holds a Master's level certificate in Interpersonal Neurobiology. Special for Bridgetown Baby families, she is offering a free 30-minute consultation - reach out to access her offer here.