Here, There and Everywhere: A Journey to Fatherhood
by Brita Johnson
Photo: simoneberkas.com
At many turns, Nadav and Vidhya’s story might have taken a different course than the one that led them to each other and to the gracious San Francisco home where they are now raising their infant twins.
It was by chance that they met - in a city in which neither of them lived, at a party which neither expected to attend. Their “break up,” when Nadav returned to his home country, might not have turned into a 2-year long-distance romance. They might never have had the chance to design the magical wedding that wove their Jewish and Hindu traditions into a unique family culture that now nurtures their 6 month old son, Amit, and daughter, Aditi.
And children might not have had a place in their plans, at all. Vidhya, born and raised in a conservative community in Chennai, southern India, grew up in a world where being gay was not commonly accepted. Coming out launched him into uncharted territory. “There was no mold to fit into,” Vidhya says. Getting married seemed a distant option; having kids was a speck on the horizon of possibility. However, meeting and falling in love with Nadav offered new certainty. It also opened up new possibilities, in part because Nadav’s experience of growing up in Israel did provide a model.
“If you go for a stroll in Tel Aviv, you see families with two or three babies, and lots of these are same sex couples,” says Nadav.
The experience of those other couples also provided a map point, literally: Portland is a significant ecosystem for surrogacy for same sex couples in Israel, so there was a well-trodden path leading Nadav and Vidhya to seek out a surrogate in the Rose City.
They found a warm welcome in Portland - from their surrogacy agency, from their surrogate (with whom they maintain a close relationship), and from the city itself (one of their favorite places). The couple had agreed that they wanted to have more than one child, eventually, and so decided to try transferring two embryos. Their surrogate’s healthy twin pregnancy was a happy surprise, and the birth, at 36 weeks (three days after Nadav and Vidhya made their temporary relocation to Portland), went smoothly.
“The moment they were born and I first held them, it was the most surreal moment in my life - I actually felt like my heart was getting filled with joy. It was a different emotion than I’ve ever felt,” says Vidhya.
That joy was sustained and supported by the postpartum doula care they received during their stay with the babies in Portland. “Having support from Bridgetown Baby allowed the first month to feel like a honeymoon,” Nadav shares. A team of Bridgetown doulas provided Nadav and Vidhya with hands-on education around diapering, swaddling, soothing and feeding, as well as moral support and much needed respite from the intensity of parenting newborn twins.
“The month with the Bridgetown team was the best gift we gave ourselves,” say the dads.
And the gift of doula care extended to the newly minted grandparents, as well. Nadav’s parents and Vidhya’s mom traveled from abroad to help welcome the twins. Their support was invaluable. “We couldn’t have made it without our parents!” smiles Nadav. “And the doulas’ help was still much needed and appreciated by all.” Having doulas allowed all of the adults in the household space to rest - and to enjoy each other during this special time.
Leaving behind the supportive embrace of their doula “family” and making the transition back home, when the twins were a month old, was challenging. Since returning home, the difficulties of parenting have ebbed and flowed, as they do. But Nadav and Vidhya feel that the crash course they got from their doulas in the first month prepared them well for the months that have followed. And they’ve learned a lot in the 5+ months since coming home! Nadav has a newfound sense of capacity and capability as a parent; Vidhya has been delighted to watch his husband race up the learning curve. Both of them say they’ve developed a heightened awareness of the importance of teamwork to weather the strains that parenting can place on a relationship.
Reflecting on how their story might help other couples considering fatherhood, Nadav has a piece of advice for anyone still debating whether or not to have kids: “don’t overanalyze it, because if you start doing too many calculations, you might make the wrong decision. If you want to do it, do it.” Vidhya adds, “and don’t be discouraged by the biases out there - for example, that it will be hard for the baby to grow up without a mom. It’s not about whether there’s a mom in the family or a dad in the family - you will find that your instincts rise to the occasion. You can do it!”
For those families on the cusp of becoming parents, Nadav and Vidhya stress the importance of getting support.
“There’s no reason to do it alone - get your families on board, hire a doula, so you can rest,” says Nadav.
“When you get sleep, you’re much, much better not just in terms of caring for your baby, but also working together,” Vidhya echoes. “Don’t stress too much about spending on other stuff, but do spend money on getting rest. That kind of help isn’t just help for you - it’s help for raising your family.”
Here, there and everywhere… an apt theme song for this new family of four. These lyrics, from the Beatles song they chose to play at their wedding, describe more than just the path Nadav and Vidhya traveled to form their family. For these two dads - with parents and siblings scattered across the globe, and a tapestry of combined cultures shaping the traditions they’ll celebrate with the twins - the family they’ve built is suffused and sustained with love from “here, there and everywhere.”