Reflections on the Lie of Perfection Parenting

By CV Hartline, III - Daddy-o of Daphne and Conrad (8 years old) & Carlyle and Sebastian (4 years old)

trigger warning: parental death, suicide

I’m not sure where to start. Maybe I should start with the suicide of my ex-wife, mother of my two sets of twins. Stacy jumped off the St. John’s Bridge on the morning of August 9, 2019.

Stacy was sick for a very long time. I’m no doctor, although I have a doctorate, but her mental illness was rooted in a lie, the lie of Perfection Parenting.

Mental illness is a fickle beast, with fuzzy edges. September - the month following Stacy’s suicide - was Suicide Awareness month, and there are some things we need to get on the table about the neurosis of Perfection Parenting that leads us to anxiety, depression, and (heaven forbid) deciding that we are “better off dead.”

Parenting is an emotional roller coaster filled with want, hope, joy, loss, fear, and unmet expectations. We feel ‘all the feels’ all the time. Our expectations of what parenting ’should be’ and what parenting ‘is’ are often very different experiences.

Learning how to manage our expectations as a parent is something that we learn and must always be learning.

Having twins removed all ‘normal’ conditions about parenting. I knew my expectations would have to change to match the situation. Expectations become dangerous when they become rigid, and one thing I know about parenting is that rigidity and children don’t mix. I understand the desire for an achievable ideal, some sort of measure that we are doing ok. As parents we compare and contrast other’s experience to our own, sometimes comparing our own experience with a fictitious ideal of perfection. Sadly, I think parenting moves quickly to a completely unwinnable competition within ourselves to accomplish a static moment of perfection. Being a parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Parenting, especially very young twins is a grind.

One of the biggest challenges of parenting - twins or otherwise - is to remain ‘teachable.’

And in that, one of the (many) issues we come up against as parents is finding a dependable metric to trust on this journey. We seek approval and confirmation that our parenting is on track with the parenting of others. The cycle of our perception of others’ perceptions of us is endless. The layers of judgement within our fantasy about what we are supposed to experience is needless. I liken our fantasy of parenting to a Pinterest party of perfection: Pinterest perfect cupcakes; Pinterest perfect decorations; nothing out of place, and the children are always happy and clean. Pinterest fails is a better measure of our reality.

My ex-wife could/would not change her Perfection Parenting idea. She could not live up to her own expectations about parenting. She could not live with the fact that parenting is ‘making it up as you go’ with the best information you have.

It is being present without expectations that allows malleability for the parent to be shaped into what is necessary for the moment. Parenting is doing your best - and your best may not be perfect, but it is really, really good.

Despite what I’ve learned about parenting and the world, I cannot pretend to understand why my ex-wife decided to end her life. And I grieve my children’s loss daily. Perfection Parenting is unattainable, unrealistic, and toxic. Being is enough.

Perhaps ‘perfection’ could be defined as those moments where we are invited into being present?

You can make a gift to support CV and his family through the Hartline Grieving Fund.