A Meditation on a First Mother's Day

by Camilla Malkin

Bridgetown Baby doula Camilla Malkin welcomed her son into the world on February 15th, and shares her reflection, full of wonder, on the day she became a mother.

I never knew the way my heart could beat outside of my chest. As I hold you close, just moments after our oneness became two, I know I have never loved as deeply, as fiercely, or as devotedly as I do in this moment. I am in awe. In awe of you.

You. Tiny hands. Tender skin. Knobby knees. Inquisitive gaze.

You.

I sigh in relief. My son. My sun. The warmth of your new breath between my breasts. My anxious anticipation subsides as we settle into soft exhaustion.

Mother-Baby. A new iteration of our dynamic dyad.

You. Me. Us.

For years, I held other babies and dreamt of you. Nothing could ever have prepared me for this.

You. Here. Now.

Your beautiful chest rising and falling as you sleep. You. My son. My beautifully wide eyed son. You are my wildest dream alive. Resting after your long journey Earthside.

You, my sweet child, have made me a mother. And now I watch my heart beating. Outside of me. Inside of you.