Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness: Resources for “Unspeakable” Losses
by Rachel Benak, PCD
When I was in my early twenties, going to school for a Bachelor’s degree in social work, I had a professor who said the only continuous topic that would come up in our practice would be that of loss. Loss of many varieties. Loss of love, loss of a loved one, loss of worldly possessions, loss of agency, and all the losses that come with being a human being in a complex world where the only constant is the dynamic and subtle changes that take place each passing moment. Her words, and my interpretation of them, stuck with me, and have repeated in my mind on many occasions over the years.
At my current age I have experienced, and witnessed, many changes and losses, and will surely experience many more. Of all these losses, none have brought me more pain and grief than the pregnancy loss I experienced 11 years ago. I still can see the ultrasound picture of this baby in my mind, and I think of how old they would be now. What would they be like? I know I'm not alone in this, and that this type of rewriting the past and imagining the present is all part of the grieving process. I know there are many parents that have experienced this loss, some multiple times along their parenthood journey.
It doesn’t matter when you experienced your loss, or how old your baby was when you lost them. Grief does not need qualifiers, and it is cyclical. Different things bring this loss back to the surface, and I continue to be surprised by it. Losing my baby taught me that grief doesn’t ever go away - it just changes, and it changes you.
I want to pause today, during National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, to honor everyone who has experienced this deep grief and is faced with the impossible-feeling task to keep on going.
No matter where you are with your grief at the moment, know that you are not alone. An estimated 1 in 3 parents have experienced pregnancy or infant loss. Yet, despite what a common, shared experience this is, we sure don't have conversations on how to cope with the unbearable, empty feelings that losing a baby leaves you with. As a culture, we don't talk about how to move through this terrible time, what might help, and what to do with your pain.
Although I have walked this path, and though I work in this sphere as a doula, I felt underprepared to hold space for parents navigating pregnancy and infant loss. I started scouring websites, books, and provider bios, so that I could be a better resource and stronger ally for bereaved parents. Since it's very likely that you, or someone very close to you has experienced - or will experience - this kind of loss, I’m sharing some of the things I learned that may be useful to know:
It is important to acknowledge what happened. Let the bereaved talk about it, and listen.
If the parents named the baby, use the baby's name.
Let them know you are thinking about their baby, and them.
Do not use platitudes like, "at least you know you can get pregnant" , or "you can try again", etc. People that we love are not replaceable, and this is likely to make the bereaved feel very alone, or like their grief is invalidated because of the baby's gestational age or other factors. Again, grief doesn't need a qualifier. People need space to grieve heartbreaking things.
Avoid the urge to rush folks through their grief, or "fix" the pain.
Apply the same to yourself if you are grieving. Try not to rush through it. As uncomfortable and painful as it is, this loss deserves space and loving attention.
Talking to a trained therapist, attending a support group, or hearing the stories of others who have lost a baby may help.
We all have to navigate our own journeys of grief and loss, but we don’t have to do it alone. There are people who want to walk along beside us, and hold our hands through the pain. If you are feeling this grief, I am sending you so much love. Here are some local and national resources I have found helpful. If your loss is bringing up thoughts of harming yourself, please call a county crisis line and/or 911.
Mental Health Crisis Lines
SW Washington - 800.626.8137
Multnomah County - 503.988.4888
Clackamas County - 503.655.8585
National Suicide Prevention Helpline - 800.273.8255
Online Resources:
Stories and resources on the Bridgetown Baby blog
Return to Zero H.O.P.E. - online community for bereaved parents, support groups, resources
Sisters in Loss - online community of support, breaking the silence of pregnancy and infant loss in the Black community
LGBTQ + Reproductive Loss - online support specific to the LGBTQ community with resources, and commemorations
Postpartum Support International - online directory of providers specializing in perinatal loss
Share: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support - online, pregnancy loss and pregnancy after loss support chats, resources, and local chapter support groups
Pregnancy After Loss Support - Pregnancy After Loss app, online and in-person support groups, and emergency support
Local Resources:
Brief Encounters (nonsectarian) - support group for those in Portland, OR and Vancouver, WA metro areas and surrounding communities. Monthly and Bi-Monthly meetings via Zoom at 7:00 PM. Register online
The Dougy Center - grief resources for children, teens, young adults, and their families
Hayden’s Helping Hands (Oregon) - financial assistance with medical expenses after the birth of a stillborn baby
The TEARS Foundation (Washington) - financial assistance for families who have lost a child
Bereavement Doula Care (Full Spectrum Doulas)
Camilla Rae Doula Services ~ 513.226.0766
Books and Articles
There Was Supposed To Be A Baby by Catherine Keating
Navigating The Unknown: An Immediate Guide When Experiencing The Loss Of Your Baby by Amie Lands
"Emotional Healing after Miscarriage:A Guide for Women, Partners, Family, and Friends" - Georgetown University School of Nursing and Health Studies
You Are the Mother of All Mothers: A Message of Hope for the Grieving Heart Angela Miller
Life After Baby Loss by Nicoleta Gaskin
Birthrites by Jackie Singer
Holistic Healing After Abortion by Samantha Zipporah
Holistic Healing After Miscarriage by Samantha Zipporah and Molly Dutton-Kenny
Black Angel Mom Guided Journal by Jeanae M. Hopgood-Jones, PhD
Reproductive Losses, Challenges to LGBTQ Family-Making by Christa Craven
Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief by Joanne Cacciatore
Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child by Ellen Mitchell et al
Rachel Benak is a Certified Postpartum Doula working with Bridgetown Baby. She is honored to attend families during the messy and beautiful transition of welcoming a baby into the world. She finds a great deal of meaning through connecting with others on the tough topics that tend to be ignored in our culture. When she is not serving families or working on continuing education, she can be found curled up on her couch with a book, riding bikes with her 8 year old, or eating a cheeseburger.