by Krystle Gard

If you're anything like me, you spent your middle school years drawing Yin-Yang symbols on your notebooks. I never would have guessed that, over twenty years later, the symbol would help me not only understand my sexuality but find the healing power of orgasm. 

As you probably know, the Yin-Yang is a symbol of male and female balance. It’s a lock and key to building vibrancy in your life. Finding the male/female balance within yourself and within your partnership is the key to accessing the healing power of orgasm. Though Yin/Yang may seem to be focused on hetero relationships, we all have access to these energies, regardless of sexual preference, sexual identity or the format of our relationship. 

Yin traditionally represents the archetypal female sexuality, either in oneself or in a relationship. It is cool water slowly flowing or yielding to surroundings. When in this energy and feeling secure, a person will relax and be open to receiving. One thing that I found so fascinating, but also made so much sense, is that Yin energy starts with stimulation out in space, all around you: emotionally, energetically, physically. So the fact that it turns you on when your partner does the dishes is a real thing! Yin energy is process oriented and it is not focused on any one goal. It moves from outside to inside. It starts at the top and works its way down, building and building in the process. So yes, you are right to feel the need for connection or intimacy throughout the day before you can feel that deep desire you remember from before kids. (You remember that time, right? No one crawling on your or saying your name 1500 times a day. Smelling lovely and beautiful, not like puke or sweat. Looking radiant upon waking, not like you haven’t slept in 4 years…)

When we can access Yin energy and be in balance with ourselves, we can be actively open and receptive in our lives and to our partners. This energy is like water. It takes time to bring your inner waters to a boil but once boiling it can be really easy to keep simmering until you need to boil again. But, also like water, if you take frequent heat away the water can turn cold and even icy, making it really hard to boil again. All this to say, as hard as I know it is, the more frequently you can access your full orgasm energy the easier and more intense it will be. 

Yang traditionally represents the archetypal male sexuality, either in oneself or in a relationship. It is fierce and fast. It’s focused on achievement, lust and conquering a goal. It craves the hunt and is stimulated visually. When accessing this energy, it is generated in the pelvic region and mostly stays there. When Yang energy is in balance in ourselves and in our relationships, it becomes the protector of the beloved. It takes what is offered and is devoted to creating the space that is yearned for by their partner. Yang is the warrior, using direction and focus to give what is most desired. “The hunt” is to create the perfect space for their lover to be pleasured. 

When I first learned these more detailed descriptions of a symbol I had known for years, it was enlightening. I realized I had gone from serious Yang energy pre-children, to serious Yin energy now. With that realization, I then asked myself, ‘if I am just now learning this, how could I have expected my partner to realize it on their own?’

The first step forward, for myself, was to let go of all the history and the past, letting the fluidity of the Yin energy wash away the story of lack of fulfillment, lack of desire, disappointment, etc. By letting go of comparisons to the past, I can ride the new orgasmic energy to the future. 

If you’re wondering ‘how exactly do I do this?’ here are some ideas to guide you in getting started. First, take the time to reflect on your personal energy and on the energy of your relationship: Are you in balance? Which energy are you sitting in? Which energy scares you?

Then, when you feel confident in where you are, you can take the brave and courageous step of bringing your partner into the conversation. As scary as it might seem to have this talk, remember your partner most likely really just wants to give you pleasure, so helping them be able to do so is truly supporting them as well. 

Once you have talked about it and are on the same page, it’s time to put those amazing Yin and Yang energies into action. Make a plan, even if just once a month, to have the Yang energy “hunt” to create the space and conditions so that the Yin energy can start to feel the desire boil. And when the time comes to be intimate, use your breath as a tool. Breathing can create so much stimulation on its own. Breathe in through your nose squeezing your kegels and breathe out by releasing your muscles and breathing out through your mouth. When releasing the breath use sound: OOOOs, AWWWs, OHOHOHs. Loud, soft, long, short. Play with your breath and with sound. See what works and what doesn’t.

It’s all about trying something new. Parenthood is hard and can make us so focused on right and wrong, yes and no, always scheduling and thinking of what's next. Sometimes we need a reminder be playful and vulnerable.

As you and your partner become more comfortable with each other in this new space, you will be able to access your orgasmic energy more easily. And remember orgasmic energy is never the same. It can look different any time. So release expectations and just go along for the ride.